And so it is...

So Dan and I have been doing our thing for a little under 2 months. Pretty crazy. Things have been moving incredibly fast which is terrifying, but also extremely exciting. He even said the L-word and the craziest thing is I said it back a little while later. I'd been holding back and wanting to say it. I was in the weirdest place between desperately wanting to say it and to NOT say it. Jaded Rachael = comfy Rachael.

I could tell that he wanted to tell me how he felt, whether that meant actually loving me or whatever, but was holding back. Being that he lives a good hour away, we really have to plan our dates and I hadn't seen him in about a week. We had a fabulous little evening and stayed up late into the evening chatting on the couch, drinking random Trader Joe's wine, and laughing a ton. We were constantly edging on the topic of feelings and love and eluding to being there or close to there all night. I was pretty sure he was going to say those three words, but he didn't. I was both relieved and disappointed. Ha, so typical. We ended up crawling in bed around 3am and crashing until pretty late in the morning. We were sleepy-eyed and sprawled out all over the bed and each other and getting accustomed to the light when he turned to me and said "I love you." Just like that. Out of the blue. It was perfect. We were just exchanging morning pleasantries and then it just rolled off his tongue. Like it was no big deal and he had said it a million times before. It was so much better than some big production with fancy dinners and flowers and DEFINITELY better than a wine-induced-slippery-tongued i love you. Pretty fucking great.

So I'm in unfamiliar territory, but I'm enjoying it.

Crreeeepppyyy

The unthinkable has happened!

I. Have. A. BOYFRIEND.

Crrreeeeeeepppppyyy. Who does that?

A love as certain as a sinking ship.

Sorry so long since I've updated. Things are confusing right now. Good, bad, exciting, scary, annoying, lame, fantastic, amazing, terrifying. 3 years ago today.

Motherfucker.

Please let me be free from you.

Crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautful life.

WOW! This past week was beyond crazy. This one coming up is looking just as nuts, but I wanted to blog at least a quick recap.

Operation Dating Fiend is in full force. I managed to squeeze in two dates in my ridiculously packed schedule and was pleasantly surprised with both. The first date is from Escondido which is supppeerr far, but he said to pick a place by me and he would do all the driving. +1 for him. Irish Man is 26, college educated, a manager of a brewing company, and well traveled. His name is totally old school Irish (Gaelic, I think he said?) and I didn't even know how to pronounce it! Ha! Not a ginger though, thankfully. We met up for sushi at Riptide which is a really good first date place because there is a lot of outside stimuli. Good if your date is boring you to tears, you can't find something to talk about, or want to take the edge off the awkwardness.

How freakin' adorable is this macrame sushi??

Irish Man was super attentive, pretty good conversation, better looking and taller than I expected, really cute shirt, but TERRIBLE shoes. I think I even mentioned that. I have no filter. No immediate crazy sparks, which seems to be a trend. I'm not even sure I can have those anymore. I think I may be too desensitized for them right away, but I'm assuming they can grow. Right?? Let's hope so. Anywho, pretty good for a first date, but... BUT... sigh. Irish Man had a really weird tick. Sometimes when I would look away, but could see him in my peripheral, he would blink and squeeze his eyes tight more than a few times. I have NO idea what that is about. He did it enough for me to notice, but never when I looked at him. Was it a nervous tick? A crazy druggie? Dust in his eye? Some kind of condition? Help me out!! What is that all about?! He called my later in the week and left me a sweet, but not too sweet message asking me out again. The only day he had off enough time to drive all the way up and back I was completely slammed. Irish man's going out of town for a week for a wedding and we made loose plans for sometime after that. Man... He seems so normal. I'm sure in a week I'll be over it and bail on the poor guy. Ah well.

Date #2 was actually the best so far. Trust Fund Baby and I met up for a quick beer and bite to eat at Karl Strauss (seriously loving these super close date locations.) I actually had to squeeze him in in between a bunch of appointments and puppy training class. Having a time limit on a date actually made it a little more fun since there was no awkward trying to leave if we're not into it. Trust Fund Baby is 22(!!!!) - 23 this month - college grad, rowing scholarship which means super broad yummy shoulders and generally hot bod, has a very prestigious job for such a young kid, and lives with his brother in their huge house on Balboa Island right on the water. TFB isn't actually a TFB, but his family definitely has money and he is extremely determined to make his own fortune as well. Honestly, this worries me more than turns me on. I do not want a pretentious guy with an ego the size of Montana. He's also blonde hair, blue eyes, and tan which is generally not my style. I like my boys dirty, pale, tattoo'd, and dark haired. Ha.

Anyway, conversation was actually pretty fun with my giving TFB a lot of crap for all of the above and him totally laughing about it. I gotta remember that while we're basically the same age, maybe there IS a guy out there that is way older mentally than his actual age. The only thing that bothered me is that I paid for half of the bill. As a rule, I always offer, but if they say they got it I don't put up a fight or get awkward about it. Call me old fashioned -- I think a guy should wine and dine a girl in the beginning. Definitely not a deal breaker, but not a homerun either. We had the best chemistry of any of my eHarmony guys thus far. TFB walked me to my car and 5 minutes later I got a text from him wishing me good luck with Tallulah at puppy class. Methinks a boy doesn't text you 5 minutes after a date unless he likes you. He did mention he was going out of town early the next morning for Havasu with some buddies, so we shall see if/when he calls. Decent potential, people. We're making progress!

Om nom Hef nom.

Later in the week I got a wild hair (hare?) to do a little switching up in my apartment. I used to have a chaise lounge in my old place where I always propped my feet up, but my new place is much MUCH tinier so I had to get rid of it. I basically live on my couch working/playing on the computer so I was really beginning to get annoyed at having to put my feet up on a super hard coffee table or sit sideways. Cue the ottoman! The couch I already had has a matching ottoman with storage that I ran out and got. I threw it at the end of the side I always sit on and poof! instant chaise lounge. This of course meant a new, smaller coffee table, which turned into a new throw and pillows. So far, I'm loving it! Lounging around on it as I'm typing right now.

Tiny kitschy living room re-do.


Pretty new pillows! I'm loving the blue one -- it has a map of the world stitched on it.

New mini coffee table with super cute spindle legs and criss crosses.

Tallulah and her new Preppy Puppy shirt approves!

As I mentioned, the past weeks (months for that matter) have been crazy with wedding season. Here is a quick, little look at what I've been doing. I wish my business blog was as easy to navigate as blogger. Boooo. I'll have to get these and the many, many others up there soon too. I have been so, so, so busy and I am so, so, so thankful! If you ever hear me complaining about being tired, smack me upside the head. I've been so busy, I've even had to hire new stylists for my company! It's very, very exciting but so time consuming. I put up an ad and in less than 3 days I had over 100 responses. I takes a lot of time to weed through the portfolios, meet up with these girls, have them do one (or two or three) model trials, and finally assist on a wedding.

The first girl went down in flames. She was my top pick for hair stylists and had her come to one of my weddings that I didn't actually need her help on, but just to see how she handles pressure and reacts at a wedding. She was 90 minutes late, didn't call, or answer her phone when I called. She said the reason she was late was she "misread" the clock at her work. She said it's not a digital one, but one with a face and hands and lines instead of numbers. When we were alone I told her, in a bout of frustration, that if she couldn't read a clock without numbers we had bigger problems than her being late to a wedding. I basically told her it was extremely unprofessional and rude and I won't be working with her. She cried a lot and apologized, but I was pretty stone faced. I don't have the time or patience for unprofessional girls with no consideration for the reputation of my company. Luckily, I didn't actually NEED her to get everything done.

I finished Round 2 of model trials with my second pick and she did really, really well. She actually worked at a company I used to work at, but just a couple years apart. They used to be a huge stickler about timing, so I feel a lot better about her. We'll see how she does at her first wedding with me!

Charmed Beauty Brides:

Jill - Tasha's good friend. Thanks for the referral!!

Chic, structured up-do.

Bronzey look with a soft side chignon.

Soft half up-do with a fresh face and dramatic lashes.

In LOVE with this girl's skin tone.

Can't wait for Pro Pics!

I could not make this stuff up if I tried!

I just had a date so bad that it brought me out of my blogging hiatus. eHarmony has been a little low on the dating pool, so I didn't turn down my girl Nicole when she said she had a guy she wanted to set me up with. Mr. Oh No He Didn't is 24 and a massage therapist. Nicole met him at Massage Envy when he gave her a great deep tissue massage and they got to talking (should have been my first tip off, who wants a masseuse who talks the whole time?) She didn't know much about him, but thought he was super cute and she gave him my number. She warned me that he had a little "latin flavor," as she called it. I'm all about the tall, dark, and handsome, but like my ethnic boys a little white washed. (By the way, I am not going to be P.C. on my blog so stop reading now if you're easily offended.) When I talked to him on the phone, his accent was totally that of an authentic mexican, but I trusted Nicole and decided to meet him for coffee.

I knew I'd get there before him since the Starbucks was around the corner from my house, so I told him I'd meet him outside on the patio. When I sat down with my Venti Skinny Caramel Latte over ice, there was another cute, young, brunette girl, in a black shirt and jeans. I actually had to steal one of her chairs and we got to chatting. I told her I was meeting a blind date and since we looked somewhat similar, I was curious as to who he would walk up to. She said she was married, so I didn't have to worry and offered to pull me aside if it started going down in flames.

Mr. Oh No He Didn't showed up and my stomach almost dropped through my butt. He looked like he could be standing in front of Home Depot waiting for work. Mr. ONHD had Raider tattoos on his arms and had obviously not been to a dentist since he crossed the border. He sat down and I fumbled for my words. I asked him if he wanted to go get his drink since I already had mine. He asked me what I was drinking and I told him. He then did the most odd, disgusting first date/first MINUTE behavior I have ever seen. He grabbed my drink and TOOK. A. SIP.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was my face:He said it was delicious and went in to get his own. Um... dude. Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not germaphobe, but I just met you 30 seconds ago and you didn't even ask!! What kind of a barn did you grow up in?! Once Mr. ONHD was inside, I turned to my brunette friend and she pretty much had the same shocked face as I did. By this time, the two older guys at the table in front of me had heard me and my new bestie chatting and told me I was terrible while they laughed. I asked her if it would be in bad taste if I ran to my car while he was inside and she said no, it'd be hilarious and she'd cover for me. HA! I then remembered I have two dates coming up and the last thing I need is bad date karma. I sat through 30 minutes of the most forced, awkward conversation while he pretty much undressed me with his eyes. I was so skeeved out, I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was the hell I was going to give Nicole the next time I saw her. I kept looking for an out, and then Tallulah came up! I told him I had to run because she really needed to be let out. I said a quick good bye and had to use all of my restraint not to bust out in a dead sprint to my car. Good old Lu... she sure is good for a lot of things!

Teenage Tallulah-- going through the pomeranian puppy uglies. (Google it.)

The next two guys are from eHarmony and I am actually pretty excited about both of them. Come on dating gods!! Throw me a bone!! Wish me luck!

Bacon, bacon, and more bacon.

Earlier this week, Jessica and I got our monthly pedicures at our favorite nail salon in our CM hood. Somewhere in between our girlie gossip and catching up on our mundane (mine) and exciting (hers) lives, she invited me to a Yelp Elite event with an amazing theme: BACON! I, of course, could not pass up the offer of time with some of my favorite girls and free bacon related food and booze.

A bunch of other Yelp lovin' friends of ours were going too, so we decided to hit up YardHouse's Happy Hour before hand. I've been doing whole grain only, no/low sugar diet for 3 weeks now, but know when to cheat just a little bit. Instead of the glorious Hefs and beer ciders the girls were drinking, I had a few not-so-bad diet Roman Cokes. I actually found something on the menu (the Spicy Tuna Roll) that totally went with my diet and only had a few bites of the other girls' deliciously carby-sugary yummyness. I was off to a good start!

ClaireBear and Me

After a couple of hours of eating, drinking, and chatting with Jessica, Claire, Jenny, and Diane, we headed off to the fair grounds where the Yelp event was held.

Yelp Elite! Woot.

Jenny, our resident bacon ambassador.

I had a blast eating bacon wrapped shrimp, bacon wrapped meatballs, candied bacon, bacon dipped in chocolate (my fave bacon-inspired item of the night,) bacon bloody mary's, and chocolate bacon martinis. They also had some super yummy fried fair food like fried oreos (my new favveeee!!) and zucchini weenies. After going through all of the photos on my camera, I realized I pretty much only take pictures of people. I went to an event where the main focus was food and I did not take ONE picture of any of it! Ha. Bad blogger. Oh well, I know there are a handful of other blog posts about the event out there. Go read theirs!

Real Hotties of Orange County

All the lovely girls.

I had a ton of fun and left very, very full, but I definitely paid for it later. I passed out on the couch with Tallulah a few minutes after I got home and woke up around 4 am, sick as a dog. You cannot completely change the way you eat for 3 weeks and then ingest that much junk all at once. It felt like a combo of the worst hangover ever, food poisoning, and being hit by a truck. Tallulah and I crawled to my bed after pounding some water and suffered for about 45 minutes until I fell asleep again. Thankfully, I woke up feeling MUCH better. Even though I felt like death for a bit, it was definitely worth it!

When everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend. I get a coffee and a paper; have my own conversation.

So, I debated writing this post, but this blog is more of a diary for me than anything. Only a handful of people know about it and I don't link it anywhere, so it should be semi-private. Hopefully.

As some of you know, my doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me soon after my divorce and I was on them for quite a while. I was on 10mg of Prozac which was eventually up-ed to 40mg which made things a little easier, but not a huge improvement. I had two people: my psychologist who I was supposed to talk to and my psychiatrist who was the pill prescriber. My psychologist basically told me I didn't really need to see her if I didn't want to and since she just sat there in silence until I talked, I didn't go back. I rarely like to talk about my problems and never do with complete strangers. She gave me very text book responses to things which never gave me any insight and she never asked me any questions. It was always awkward and I hated going. So I didn't. My psychiatrist wasn't much better. She was an elderly lady who told me I was an alcoholic for going out with my girlfriends on weekends for drinks (I was 21, hello!) because my grandpa was an alcoholic 30 years ago. She also told me I was addicted to Xanax even though I took them exactly as prescribed along with the Prozac. She was a real ego booster. My primary doctor prescribed both of these pills when I was dragged to Kaiser a couple days after G left me. I was pretty much in one of two states: completely distraught bawling or despondent lethargy. Since Kaiser's mental health department is packed and they couldn't get me in for over a month, she put me on them and made me an appointment to see my Psychiatrist later.

Anywho, I got off track. I was off and on Prozac twice. I hated going to see the doc who thought I was an addict and she always made me check in when my prescription ran out. Needless to say, when it was time to make my appt. I just quit cold turkey. Twice. Not my finest hours. I was off both pills for about 6 tumultuous months. The last two months have been close to the first two months after the abandonment. I decided I'd at least go in and talk to someone. Luckily, I have moved by now with a different Kaiser that is closer to me than where the old doc worked. I definitely wanted to see someone knew and it was much easier to say I needed someone new because I moved and not because I hated the judgemental old kook who made me feel more crazy than I actually am.

I had to wait 3 weeks for the first appointment which was at 8 am (!!! exactly when I want to talk about hard subjects) with my new guy. I really like this new place I'm at because it is right around the corner from a huge Kaiser, but it is in a smaller building completely dedicated to the Psychiatry department. No more side eyes when I went into that door marked for the loonies. Yay! I'll totally admit-- I was very leery about seeing this new guy. I was completely closed off and debated leaving when my appointment hadn't started by 8:05, but I was totally wrong.

My new doc is awesome. He got promoted to the head of the department in between the time I made the appt. and when I saw him, which left him not taking anymore patients. He told me, he would figure something out for me even if he had to see me on his lunch break. He didn't pry, made cynical jokes on behalf of all depressed people, rolled his eyes and mumbled under his breath when I told him about my other two docs, and talked to me like a colleague and not some nutso twenty something emo girl. He explained a lot of the science behind anti-depressants and talked about a bunch of seminars with new ideas that he finds promising. He is much more new-school and I really liked that. He said it was obvious that Prozac was not for me and that the docs should have picked up on that within the first few months of starting the pills. Don't quote me on this, but he told me something about how when you are in a bout of severe depression, your brain chemistry changes and it starts to think that that is the norm. Some people can "grow" out of mild depression and don't necessarily need anti-depressants, but more severe cases pretty much need the pills to kick start their brain in the right direction. From all the questions (an hours worth) and past history, he determined that I was a desirable candidate for anti-depressants. I wasn't sure I wanted to go back on them, but he really got me with the whole brain chemistry thing. I used to think of it more of it as a quick fix that wouldn't work once you were off them.

He prescribed me Wellbutrin this time which works more on increasing Dopamine rather than Serotonin like Prozac did. It also is one of the few anti-depressants that doesn't make you gain weight or have any sexual dysfunctions. Can you imagine being depressed, gaining weight, and having no sex drive? Yikes. He immediately put me on double the lowest dose at 200mg since I needed higher amounts of Prozac and Xanax for them to be effective. He also put in another order for my Xanax which I'm stoked about! I only use it once in a blue moon when I'm having a serious anxiety issue, so my last prescription has lasted a long time. The last time I took it, I saw that there were only a couple of my coveted pills left which made me even more anxious. It's nice to not have to worry about that.

I've been on them for a week now and have experienced a few hiccups (which were to be expected,) but I'm feeling hopeful about it. He told me in a cliche sort of way that we'll get me back to the old me and when I laughed and told him "yeah right," he told me something I am most excited about. He said that we won't get me back to the old me, but he is completely confident that we will get me back to the same happiness/energy level. I expressed my skepticism to this and he told me that he knew it was hard to believe, but that is what we will do. He doesn't want to make things just a little better, but completely. Big words! I have another appointment at the 4 week mark to see how things are progressing.

Let's see what happens!

Just my dog and me.

Having some "fun" with Tallulah while couch ridden the past couple of days. I'm such a bad person.

She's so hood.

"Sup?"

Little honky tonk fun

Life has been crazy busy and I've majorly slacked on the whole blogging thing. So much so, that the pictures below with minimal text will have to suffice since my memory of the event is a bit hazy. Cat invited me to the Annual White Trash Party and since last years was quite fun, I couldn't say no.

Cat opted for trashy-punk white trash (redundant much?) and I went for the basic redneck look.

Many a girl, including Jodi above, were heavily inspired by VH1's Rock of Love. Definitely trash.

White trash cuisine: Watermelon, casseroles, potato chips, pigs in a blanket. YUM!

Georgia Moonshine in a mason jar. I was wayyy to scared to try this.

Finished the night off with the ever classy beer pong tournament. Gotta love the confederate flag in the background.

Good times all around!