I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me and everything I've made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.

This haunts me everyday.

I miss mattering to someone. I miss feeling secure about my world. I miss being loved. I miss his stupid nervous tendencies and how we'd lay in bed with our dogs. Bruiser would crawl up the pillows and on to his head. We would laugh and watch crappy free scary movies on demand and go to the dog park and go shopping all day to find the perfect knick knack for our overly cluttered coffee table/mantle/bathroom/etc. We had our stupid retarded nicknames that would make even us roll our eyes. I miss our wedding day and how he cried before I did when I walked down the aisle and how I saw him out the window helping set up while I was getting my makeup done and I hoped it wasn't bad luck. I miss him. I miss the time I brought out the dinky ikea arm chair outside on the patio with Muffin while he strung Christmas lights up on the townhouse even though no one else in our complex had them. We tried to string popcorn to make garland and when he was almost done the thread was all knotted and we had to throw it away and he was so frustrated and pissed but 2 minutes later we laughed and made do with the little bit that I had. And we took stupid christmas photos in our striped bright sweaters and Muffin had a bow on her neck. And how we went to Balboa Bay Club for my birthday and "I need water" and salt water taffy and The First Cabin. I miss how everyone said they had never seen him that way toward a girl and how obsessed we were with each other and how we swore we'd beat the statistics and how I trusted him without an ounce of hesitation. I miss that life. I miss feeling so so so pretty and wearing pretty dresses for him and oh.. the kisses. I miss him kissing me. I have and won't ever be kissed that way again. I miss the Postal Service and Snow Patrol and Dashboard and the dinky hockey rink and pickup games and hot cocoa and the locker room and kissing him. Kissing him. Him.

I'm forbidden to think of him or bring him up or have these kinds of feelings and I'm not allowed to not hate him and I have to be strong and move on and it's been two years and people are tired of the sad, depressed, emo girl and I've already lost so many friends and my husband. It's so. so. so. exhausting. You cannot be sad when you work weddings all day and no one wants to hang around the sad girl. People expect happy Rachael and at first I couldn't. Then it was hard, but I faked it. Now, it comes naturally and sometimes its not even fake, but at the end of the day when I get home alone I can literally feel it fall away. Literally. and it's a relief because I'm oh so tired of it all the time, but I'm so lonely. I feel fake. I feel ungrateful and annoying. I feel so hopeless and lonely and alone and I miss him. I want to hate him so bad. It is so good/horrible that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me because I know there is no way I'd be strong enough to tell him no. I didn't tell him no. I told him yes and I wanted more. Found out more lies, still wanted more. Treated like shit, wanted more. I want to feel like that. I want to feel passionate and fire and love and anything. Living this way is not worth it. Its not even living. Its so fake. all day. everyday. Prozac only masks it. Xanax is my heart, but makes me feel nothing. Nothing is good sometimes. A lot of times. More times than not, but it wears off and I yearn for him/it/love again and feel like I should try.

Am I broken? Will I never feel this way again because it was never real to begin with? How does someone just leave. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I tried so hard. I still don't know why he left. I feel like a failure. I made him my world, my priority. Unhealthy. Yet he still left. I'm so annoying. There is so much worse in the world and I still feel like this. He doesn't even miss me. I have never ran into him. I'm bigger than I've ever been. I'm fucked up emotionally. I'm stuck on my ex-husband who abandoned me and when asked if he would change things, said no. No one does anything for me. No sparks. No trust. People think I'm stupid because I was young and it was puppy love and not real love and its just a statistic and get over it you're young, atleast you didn't have kids, you'll find better, what'd you expect? I hate them. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate so much in the world. I hate living this way. I try and I always come back here. I can't even be the right kind of depressed. The skinny, doesn't eat anything girl. Nope.

I remember when I saw a therapist I told her that it was so annoying when everyone in the world asked me if I was okay. She told me to just wait, one day you'll wonder why no one asks you about it anymore because they'll be over it before you. I never believed her. What a joke. I'm a joke.

How am I supposed to know if anything is real when the one thing I was so sure about turned out to be a total sham. And he's in love. With the girl he met while we were married. And they've been together for two years. And he's supposed to be the bad guy? Why does he get the happy ending/middle/continuation? What justice is that? There is no fucking justice in this world and people wonder why people are cynical. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. That is just bullshit they spew at you so that you don't off yourself everything something bad happens. It's just the world's way of wrapping everything up in a pretty bow so life makes sense and you can be content. Bullshit. If God/fate/the cosmos did "make" this happen then FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU and your bullshit. If this is part of the plan then I don't want anything to do with the fucking plan. Bad things happen. That's it. It's shitty and you never know when your world will be ripped out from under you.

I'm so annoying. This annoys me. I know I'm 22. Fuck you. fuck me.