Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you.

Saturday I worked from 6 in the morning until 6 at night. Phew.. super tiring day. I had a wedding in the morning and then one of my models had prom and wanted me to do her and her girlfriends' makeup. I happily obliged! Makeup on teens is the best because they are all googly eyed over my makeup collection and they feel so special when it's all done. I love it.

Kaylin- you might remember her as the first model on my website. http://www.charmedbeauty.com/

I'm seriously in love with this girl's hair. Its completely natural and I want it. NOW. The photograph does not do it justice. It was the prettiest strawberry blonde I've ever seen.

After my twelve hour work day I was sooo ready for a little R & R, but I got a call from the one and only Cat on the way home. She reminded me that I was supposed to meet up with them and some friends for karaoke. Boooo. I didn't have any plans the following day and I really did need the drink, so I man-ed (manned? maned?) up. I took a quick nap, got some food, played with Tallulah and was off to the bar by 10 o'clock.

Lots of this led to more self portraits and pictures of friendly drunks.

After a long hiatus, this crazy duo is back. :D

What started as a couple beers only night turned into shots and gin and pineapple/orange (amazing btw!) which led to what else?! We were at a karaoke bar for pete's sake! I did my classic rendition of Miss Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats," as always. Sucked, as always, but we had a blast minus a tiny bump at the very end. Came home at 2:30 and let Tallulah walk all over my face while I tried to sleep since I felt guilty leaving her most of the day. Miraculously, woke up hangover-free and did a whole lot of nothing ALL DAY sunday. It was marvelous.

Technical Error

Comments fixed! :D

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated. We barely make it.

Had a date today with Mr. Hipster. 26, film school graduate, total hipster style (maybe cooler than me!), on the shorter side, not text book handsome but attractive. It's our second date. We went on our first one about a month and a half ago, but I felt no sparks at all. He is super funny and I really enjoy his company, so I said yes when he asked me if I wanted to grab a bite to eat this week. Why not? I wore this new Old Navy dress with a cream jacket thrown over it for warmth. I thought it had to perfect mix of "oh this old thing? I just threw it on" and casual flirtiness.

Striped ON Sundress, H&M multiple pendant necklace, and casz flats to keep the height thing under wraps.

We went to Kaisen sushi which is a place a different guy originally took me to, but we went else where because it was too crowded. I know, I'm so scandalous. Sushi was decent, the atmosphere was relaxed, and prices were good, but there are much better places in Costa Mesa for lowkey sushi.

Not my pictures, but come on. I can't bust out the camera on a date. A little too creepy. Thanks Yelp images!

All in all, I have the same feelings about Mr. Hipster. A couple of my girlfriends have been pushing me to go on more than one date with each guy. I'm notorious for having a million first dates and not following through with date #2, but I'm just that kind of girl. I know it right away and I knew it with Mr. Hipster. Great, super funny, entertaining guy who I could chat with all day, but that is it. He's just a good friend. I'm not bummed because I pretty much knew this would be the conclusion.

To leave this post on a highnote: impromptu photoshoot with Tallulah!!!!

Hey mom! What you got there?

Okay, I'll sit and look pretty.

Kisses.

Mom!! What is up with your funny face? No more pictures.

Okay, fine. Let's just snuggle.

Seriously? How could you not love her.

I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me and everything I've made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.

This haunts me everyday.

I miss mattering to someone. I miss feeling secure about my world. I miss being loved. I miss his stupid nervous tendencies and how we'd lay in bed with our dogs. Bruiser would crawl up the pillows and on to his head. We would laugh and watch crappy free scary movies on demand and go to the dog park and go shopping all day to find the perfect knick knack for our overly cluttered coffee table/mantle/bathroom/etc. We had our stupid retarded nicknames that would make even us roll our eyes. I miss our wedding day and how he cried before I did when I walked down the aisle and how I saw him out the window helping set up while I was getting my makeup done and I hoped it wasn't bad luck. I miss him. I miss the time I brought out the dinky ikea arm chair outside on the patio with Muffin while he strung Christmas lights up on the townhouse even though no one else in our complex had them. We tried to string popcorn to make garland and when he was almost done the thread was all knotted and we had to throw it away and he was so frustrated and pissed but 2 minutes later we laughed and made do with the little bit that I had. And we took stupid christmas photos in our striped bright sweaters and Muffin had a bow on her neck. And how we went to Balboa Bay Club for my birthday and "I need water" and salt water taffy and The First Cabin. I miss how everyone said they had never seen him that way toward a girl and how obsessed we were with each other and how we swore we'd beat the statistics and how I trusted him without an ounce of hesitation. I miss that life. I miss feeling so so so pretty and wearing pretty dresses for him and oh.. the kisses. I miss him kissing me. I have and won't ever be kissed that way again. I miss the Postal Service and Snow Patrol and Dashboard and the dinky hockey rink and pickup games and hot cocoa and the locker room and kissing him. Kissing him. Him.

I'm forbidden to think of him or bring him up or have these kinds of feelings and I'm not allowed to not hate him and I have to be strong and move on and it's been two years and people are tired of the sad, depressed, emo girl and I've already lost so many friends and my husband. It's so. so. so. exhausting. You cannot be sad when you work weddings all day and no one wants to hang around the sad girl. People expect happy Rachael and at first I couldn't. Then it was hard, but I faked it. Now, it comes naturally and sometimes its not even fake, but at the end of the day when I get home alone I can literally feel it fall away. Literally. and it's a relief because I'm oh so tired of it all the time, but I'm so lonely. I feel fake. I feel ungrateful and annoying. I feel so hopeless and lonely and alone and I miss him. I want to hate him so bad. It is so good/horrible that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me because I know there is no way I'd be strong enough to tell him no. I didn't tell him no. I told him yes and I wanted more. Found out more lies, still wanted more. Treated like shit, wanted more. I want to feel like that. I want to feel passionate and fire and love and anything. Living this way is not worth it. Its not even living. Its so fake. all day. everyday. Prozac only masks it. Xanax is my heart, but makes me feel nothing. Nothing is good sometimes. A lot of times. More times than not, but it wears off and I yearn for him/it/love again and feel like I should try.

Am I broken? Will I never feel this way again because it was never real to begin with? How does someone just leave. Why doesn't he want me anymore? I tried so hard. I still don't know why he left. I feel like a failure. I made him my world, my priority. Unhealthy. Yet he still left. I'm so annoying. There is so much worse in the world and I still feel like this. He doesn't even miss me. I have never ran into him. I'm bigger than I've ever been. I'm fucked up emotionally. I'm stuck on my ex-husband who abandoned me and when asked if he would change things, said no. No one does anything for me. No sparks. No trust. People think I'm stupid because I was young and it was puppy love and not real love and its just a statistic and get over it you're young, atleast you didn't have kids, you'll find better, what'd you expect? I hate them. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate so much in the world. I hate living this way. I try and I always come back here. I can't even be the right kind of depressed. The skinny, doesn't eat anything girl. Nope.

I remember when I saw a therapist I told her that it was so annoying when everyone in the world asked me if I was okay. She told me to just wait, one day you'll wonder why no one asks you about it anymore because they'll be over it before you. I never believed her. What a joke. I'm a joke.

How am I supposed to know if anything is real when the one thing I was so sure about turned out to be a total sham. And he's in love. With the girl he met while we were married. And they've been together for two years. And he's supposed to be the bad guy? Why does he get the happy ending/middle/continuation? What justice is that? There is no fucking justice in this world and people wonder why people are cynical. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. That is just bullshit they spew at you so that you don't off yourself everything something bad happens. It's just the world's way of wrapping everything up in a pretty bow so life makes sense and you can be content. Bullshit. If God/fate/the cosmos did "make" this happen then FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU and your bullshit. If this is part of the plan then I don't want anything to do with the fucking plan. Bad things happen. That's it. It's shitty and you never know when your world will be ripped out from under you.

I'm so annoying. This annoys me. I know I'm 22. Fuck you. fuck me.

Wow. Just Wow.

"I wanna fuck you." - Text from out of the blue from Daddy DJ.

What a winner.

Fuckface.

Playing Catch Up

Last week after a mix up of plans and bailing on Jen Lancaster's book signing, Jessica and I decided to hit up Habana. She has always wanted to go and I had only been there for drinks, so off we went! It's always nice being 2 minutes away from her so we can do local Costa Mesa-ish things last minute or when we're feeling emo. I was going to go meet her straight after work from the studio and decided to drag Carina along for a little girl time. Yay!

We're starting to amass quite the picture catalogue. Watch out Claire! Ha!

A couple of hot blondes.

Crab cakes with cream cheese as the glue instead of mayo. Pretty yummy!

Super yummy flatbread with tomatoes, grilled onions, garlic, and goat cheese. Those are also yucky kalimata olives. None of us like them, but in all our passive aggressive glory, we just picked them off onto our plates instead of mentioning to each other we aren't big fans. Ha.

Tomato Soup with Plantain Chips... I wasn't excited about this, but it actually had a nice little kick to it.

FRIED AVOCADO!!!!!! Yum. I'm obsessed with avocado and am always looking for a new way to eat it.

Fried Banana Fritters with vanilla bean ice cream. Just meh.

The best part of Habana is by far the drinks, which I didn't take pictures of. Boo. I had my favorite Blackberry Mojito which is chock full of fresh mint and blackberries. Not too sweet and super refreshing. I easily could have had more than two. Jess had some kind of Strawberry Lemon drop thing that also had a bunch of fresh strawberry pieces through out. So, so good. Carina had her requisite one glass of red wine. Boring. It was a good night of chit chatting on the gorgeous patio and picking at each others food. Lovely.

Memorial Day was spent at a couple of BBQs. Cat called me last minute and since I haven't seen her in forever, I decided to get my lazy bum up and out of the house on Monday for some good friends and good food.

Tory and Jaymes cooking up some amazing carne asada and homemade salsa.

Jodi with her classy beverage.

Not the cutest picture of us, but its been too long not to post. (P.S. I gotta get a new hairstyle that doesn't include the hair twist. Fail.)

We stayed there for a few hours and caught up on all our girl drama, had some amazing tacos, and a few beers. I was going to head home after this, still feeling a bit under the weather, but since she was heading just down the way to another BBQ, I thought I'd tag along. I hadn't seen Cat in over a month so I'll take what I can get. Had a few more hours of lounging, more girl drama talk, and a few strawberry margaritas. That is where all went down hill. I can't do the overly sugary drinks plus the sun plus so much food. Ick. I went home and crashed with Tallulah in bed for a couple hours. I woke up and pounded some water and had a bunch of aspirin to avoid any up and coming hangovers, but my whole body just ached and I felt like shit. I'm still pretty achey and creaky today, but am holding out for a spontaneous recovery. Me? Sick? Pshh, no way!

Anyway... I have something weighing heavily on my mind and will write it out when I feel a little more collected. Sigh

I like my money where I can see it - hanging in my closet.

I've got money burning a hole in my pocket and that means beloved shopping time! I even got to leave 30 minutes early from my office job and was stoked to hit up H&M who never disappoints. Until today that is. -sigh- I tried on a gazillion things.

Loving the little woven leather belt attached to this shirt dress, but it was a bit too short on the sides (which you can't really see here) for me to be comfortable.

So many things wrong here. The shirt is see through which usually isn't a problem since I almost always layer a cami underneath white tops, but this one just had too many weird lines. Skirt is just ehh. Feels too corporate for me.

Same top tucked in with the cutest vintage feeling high waisted skirt, but there was just too much fabric going on. I felt like it added a lot of extra weight to my bottom half and like I had a pouch which at 22 (!!) I do not!!!

I am always, always, always attracted to big floufy, romantic tops with way too much fabric and as much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE it, I know most people don't get it. Could be 9 months pregnant in this top and no one would know. Linen capris were just ehh.

Man!! Unfortunately, the outfit I came in (above) looked better on me than any of the looks.

I was so frustrated that nothing worked and was completely disheveled from trying things off and on and off and on. Messy hair, shiny forehead, and grumpy disposition aside, I was determined to walk out of there with SOMETHING after almost an hour in there.

I scooped up this basic white V neck and what H&M is best for: tons of accessories! I'm digging the whole tie dye thing and thought the scarf was the right amount without looking like a 70's flower child. Layers upon layers of gold necklaces (always a standard go-to for me,) funky ring, and big poufy flower to adorn my hair when I'm feeling flirty.

Close up on the ring. Loving the cocktail-y-ness of the stone with the more masculine thick dark gold band.

I love tiny charms on long gold chains. Keys, bows, and jewels, oh my!

I also popped into Wet Seal of all places since it was right across the way from H&M at South Coast Plaza. I haven't been in there since 8th grade, but I saw a whole wall of $5 scarfs and couldn't contain myself.

Got all this stuff for less than $30 out the door. The little red gingham top is decisively made of the lowest quality cotton ever, but for $5(!!!) I figured I'd get it. It was originally $19.50 on the $10 sale rack and then another 50% off when I get to the register. Nice. I also threw in a couple pair of flip flops (buy one get one for $5.) I'm a sucker for a sale.

I wanted to get out of there and head home to Miss Tallulah Belle since I've been feeling a little under the weather. I didn't even notice since I've been going, going, going nonstop since wedding season started until my mom asked me if I was sick. She said I sounded all stuffed up. Power of suggestion, I tell ya. However, I knew I better stop in at MAC for a few more supplies before my weddings this weekend. I think this is the least I've ever purchased from MAC at one time.

Blush: Fleur Power and Springsheen; Lipglass: Enchantress, Viva Glam VI Special Edition, Prr; Lustreglass: Beaux; Liquidlast Liner: Coco Bar and Point Black; Technakohl Liner: Purple Dash

Of course, what post would be completely without a little Lu Love. I seriously cannot explain how much she brightens my day. I cannot wait to get home to here each and every day. She is so good for a puppy and such a people pleaser. I lucked out with her.

Here she is patiently waiting for me to pay attention to her while I photographed the goods.

A 16 week old pup can only be patient for so long. She wanted to get in on all the fun of the shopping bags and the camera.

Who needs fireworks when you have a little white fluffball who lives for the moment you come home.

I hate to break this to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career

A few days ago, I had a date with a new boy, Daddy DJ. 29 years old, from Long Beach, dark hair, pale skin, tattoos, and a general indie boy style. Sounds right up my alley, minus the whole Daddy thing. He has an 8 year old daughter with full custody. You have to admire a man who steps up to the plate and does his thing, but I'm 22. I'm selfish, impulsive, and not at all ready for that kind of responsibility. I know, I know... it was just one date, but it still weighed heavily on my mind. We ended up making plans last minute since his daughter was going to be at a family member's house for the evening. After a long day of hair and makeup and office work, I wanted to do something very low key. We decided to head over to Wahoo's for a quick bite to eat.

And then Trader Joe's for some cheap, yummy wine to take back to my house and talk. Yes, really talk, not "talk."

We played the Question Game. My version of 20 questions when conversation gets slow. Tallulah was a good distraction as well. Made out for a while. (Yes, I am a make out slut.) Daddy DJ is definitely a cool guy with a good head on his shoulders, pretty decent kisser, and has an interesting perspective on things from being a single parent all of his adult life, but....

Story of my life. I'm just not that into him. I'll put it this way, I haven't obsessively checked my phone for texts/calls from him, stalked him on Facebook, or have an extra pep in my step. It was an enjoyable evening, but not weak-in-the-knees-worthy. I'll keep holding out. What does a girl gotta do to get a little fireworks in her life?? Of course, the fact that he is definitely more than a bit into me makes me more distant. I'm such a cliche. Ah well, I've got time. :)

Beast of Burden

Poor little guy... I probably should let up on him a bit.

Busy, busy girl

Miss Tallulah is looking and feeling much better. Now her furball head matches her furball body. Look at her enjoying those rays.

As for me, I have been slammed with weddings and previews. Don't get me wrong, as tired as I am working odd hours with some high maintenance people, I know I am soooo lucky. In this economy I know having (almost) too much work is a good thing.

Here is one of my favorite makeup artists I work with. She'd be PISSED if she knew I posted this.
Pretty Hair

Pretty Makeup

And in non-puppy/work related life, Claire, Jessica, and I recently hit up Kitsch. Nothing like a few strong lemon drops, a round of shots, good girlfriends, and bad gossip. After the past few weeks of moving, bad dates, crazy hours of work, and some family drama, I totally needed this night. This was the night after I had just purchased my new camera and took more than my fair share of pictures. I was so that girl at the bar.

Obligatory drunk kissy face picture.
Jess accidentally spilled all over "judgmental" Claire for being a flagrant whore.

And I took some more drunk pictures of myself. So attractive.
Love you girls. <3