When everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend. I get a coffee and a paper; have my own conversation.

So, I debated writing this post, but this blog is more of a diary for me than anything. Only a handful of people know about it and I don't link it anywhere, so it should be semi-private. Hopefully.

As some of you know, my doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me soon after my divorce and I was on them for quite a while. I was on 10mg of Prozac which was eventually up-ed to 40mg which made things a little easier, but not a huge improvement. I had two people: my psychologist who I was supposed to talk to and my psychiatrist who was the pill prescriber. My psychologist basically told me I didn't really need to see her if I didn't want to and since she just sat there in silence until I talked, I didn't go back. I rarely like to talk about my problems and never do with complete strangers. She gave me very text book responses to things which never gave me any insight and she never asked me any questions. It was always awkward and I hated going. So I didn't. My psychiatrist wasn't much better. She was an elderly lady who told me I was an alcoholic for going out with my girlfriends on weekends for drinks (I was 21, hello!) because my grandpa was an alcoholic 30 years ago. She also told me I was addicted to Xanax even though I took them exactly as prescribed along with the Prozac. She was a real ego booster. My primary doctor prescribed both of these pills when I was dragged to Kaiser a couple days after G left me. I was pretty much in one of two states: completely distraught bawling or despondent lethargy. Since Kaiser's mental health department is packed and they couldn't get me in for over a month, she put me on them and made me an appointment to see my Psychiatrist later.

Anywho, I got off track. I was off and on Prozac twice. I hated going to see the doc who thought I was an addict and she always made me check in when my prescription ran out. Needless to say, when it was time to make my appt. I just quit cold turkey. Twice. Not my finest hours. I was off both pills for about 6 tumultuous months. The last two months have been close to the first two months after the abandonment. I decided I'd at least go in and talk to someone. Luckily, I have moved by now with a different Kaiser that is closer to me than where the old doc worked. I definitely wanted to see someone knew and it was much easier to say I needed someone new because I moved and not because I hated the judgemental old kook who made me feel more crazy than I actually am.

I had to wait 3 weeks for the first appointment which was at 8 am (!!! exactly when I want to talk about hard subjects) with my new guy. I really like this new place I'm at because it is right around the corner from a huge Kaiser, but it is in a smaller building completely dedicated to the Psychiatry department. No more side eyes when I went into that door marked for the loonies. Yay! I'll totally admit-- I was very leery about seeing this new guy. I was completely closed off and debated leaving when my appointment hadn't started by 8:05, but I was totally wrong.

My new doc is awesome. He got promoted to the head of the department in between the time I made the appt. and when I saw him, which left him not taking anymore patients. He told me, he would figure something out for me even if he had to see me on his lunch break. He didn't pry, made cynical jokes on behalf of all depressed people, rolled his eyes and mumbled under his breath when I told him about my other two docs, and talked to me like a colleague and not some nutso twenty something emo girl. He explained a lot of the science behind anti-depressants and talked about a bunch of seminars with new ideas that he finds promising. He is much more new-school and I really liked that. He said it was obvious that Prozac was not for me and that the docs should have picked up on that within the first few months of starting the pills. Don't quote me on this, but he told me something about how when you are in a bout of severe depression, your brain chemistry changes and it starts to think that that is the norm. Some people can "grow" out of mild depression and don't necessarily need anti-depressants, but more severe cases pretty much need the pills to kick start their brain in the right direction. From all the questions (an hours worth) and past history, he determined that I was a desirable candidate for anti-depressants. I wasn't sure I wanted to go back on them, but he really got me with the whole brain chemistry thing. I used to think of it more of it as a quick fix that wouldn't work once you were off them.

He prescribed me Wellbutrin this time which works more on increasing Dopamine rather than Serotonin like Prozac did. It also is one of the few anti-depressants that doesn't make you gain weight or have any sexual dysfunctions. Can you imagine being depressed, gaining weight, and having no sex drive? Yikes. He immediately put me on double the lowest dose at 200mg since I needed higher amounts of Prozac and Xanax for them to be effective. He also put in another order for my Xanax which I'm stoked about! I only use it once in a blue moon when I'm having a serious anxiety issue, so my last prescription has lasted a long time. The last time I took it, I saw that there were only a couple of my coveted pills left which made me even more anxious. It's nice to not have to worry about that.

I've been on them for a week now and have experienced a few hiccups (which were to be expected,) but I'm feeling hopeful about it. He told me in a cliche sort of way that we'll get me back to the old me and when I laughed and told him "yeah right," he told me something I am most excited about. He said that we won't get me back to the old me, but he is completely confident that we will get me back to the same happiness/energy level. I expressed my skepticism to this and he told me that he knew it was hard to believe, but that is what we will do. He doesn't want to make things just a little better, but completely. Big words! I have another appointment at the 4 week mark to see how things are progressing.

Let's see what happens!